I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
