mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
