I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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