I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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