I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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