Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
