I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I look better un-naked...
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
