I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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