This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
