i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
