pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
