For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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