There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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