And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize