perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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