I just pynch a tree in the face
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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