I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
