anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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