so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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