half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
