i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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