Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
