i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize