it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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