once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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