Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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