So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
