No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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