On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
