bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
