I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
