i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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