Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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