There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
