This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
