she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
