if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
That's when you crack a 10am beer
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Hippo gnu deer
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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