accomplished twins. life is a go
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
