I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
