You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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