she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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