broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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