i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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