Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
