she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize