I'm really into asian looking animals
Swine flu. Run for my life!
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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