Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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