I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
