So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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