the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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