good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My cat gives me a boner
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
