Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
