hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
