wanna go halves on a baby?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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