Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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