please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
