Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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