she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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