I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
being pregnant is like rehab
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
