Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
