You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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